March
25th, 2002~ Two days past my due date now...I feel no anxiousness at all. I
know in my heart with a peace and certainty that baby will come when it's
ready. My children have been sick with some nasty flu virus, vomiting all hours
of the night. Thankfully I haven't gotten it.
I
did have a bit of a scare last week. On Monday night, as I lay in bed sound
asleep, a distinct "pop" awoke me. I thought my water had broken, as I felt
bubbles and gurgling inside of me...but I didn't feel wet so I lay in bed. I
rolled over and felt another bit of gurgling, but nothing came out (or so I
thought). I was too tired to get up, so I fell back asleep (talk about lazy!
HA!) In the morning, hubby had already left for work and I went to the bathroom
to pee. I sat down and looked down and there was blood all over my undies and
two huge clots fell into the toilet. My eyes must've popped out of my head. I
couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was earth-moving, the level of emotion.
I was stunned, and I broke down sobbing. I have NEVER bled before labor. I have
never even had "bloody show"... I always lose my plug weeks or a month before
labor, and I had been losing it this time, but never had I had anything like
this. It wasn't bright red blood, more of a dark maroon in color...the clots
were about the size of a golfball and the size of a half dollar. I yelled for
my son to get the phone. I called my husband and probably scared the life out
of him! I was just sobbing and sobbing, saying I didn't know what was wrong, or
what to do. I was still on the pot. He said "Calm down. You'll know what to do
if you calm down..."
I
hung up the phone. I sat there a minute, cleaned up, then I tried to get
online...Yahoo servers had been down the previous day and were still down. I
checked email and had gotten nothing...I didn't know what to do. So, I sat on
the edge of my bed and prayed. I was as calm as a cucumber within 5 minutes. I
knew somewhere I had read about this, so I wracked my brain. I knew clots could
be normal. I knew some women bled before labor or birth...I knew that it wasn't
bright or gushing blood, so that had to mean something...
I
also knew I had never bled. And I knew I wasn't having contractions, so birth
may not be imminent. These thoughts washed over me with much panic, so I had to
not think about all the terrible what-if's. I was on a mission. I grabbed every
pregnancy book I have and started reading. I could find nothing specific to
what I was experiencing...I was irritated. I finally got online and posted
about everything to the cbirth list. I was frantic, because no-one was
answering me. By the time hubby got home, blood was still coming, but only in
streaks when I wiped, and was tinged with mucous. He was concerned, but I told
him I thought I would be ok for now, and I wanted to try and get as much info
as possible before rushing to a hospital. I wanted my UC so badly. Not enough
to risk my child of course, if I thought for one second it was
life-threatening, I would go to a hospital, but that prayer earlier in the day
calmed me so much that I felt it wasn't a dire situation. I felt at peace
taking my time to make an informed decision. That day, the bleeding had almost
stopped and by bedtime, I knew things were fine.
In
the night, I was awakened again, by gurgling and some more wetness. I went to
the bathroom and couldn't believe it, MORE blood, and alot more, after it had
all but stopped. I was very upset. It was 3 am and I lay in bed for an hour,
unable to sleep. I finally got online and wrote every single person I knew who
might possibly have any information on the subject. I wrote midwives. I wrote
the list, blasting them for not being more help to me... I had to find out all
I could, in order to make an informed decision. Everyone kept suggesting
placental problems (previa~ which I knew it couldn't be, I could feel the
baby's head!! abruptio placenta, which I knew it couldn't be, as I had none of
the symptoms of that...) It was very disturbing to be getting so much mixed
advice, and so many differing opinions. The more I read, the more confused I
became, worrying needlessly. Most folks were warning to "GET TO A DOC ASAP!!"
This scared me. I got offline, and laid in bed. I sang my songs to the baby,
our favorites. I rubbed my belly with lotion and I prayed harder than I have in
a long time (since my daughter's illness last year...) I got a stethoscope and
after a whole pregnancy of not being able to find my baby's heartbeat, I found
it for the first time! It was a very spiritual and moving moment. It was so
strong, beating so loud. I was singing as I was listening and when I sang, the
heartbeat would get faster. When I stopped it slowed and then I would start
again and it would get faster. I felt such a connection to my baby. I knew in
my heart the baby was fine and had never been in any danger.
I
do not know why this happened to us, but I believe it was cervical bleeding and
not placental. Now, a week has gone by and I have no more bleeding. ( I stopped
bleeding 3 days after I started.) It is now clear fluid coming out of me ( I
have no idea if I am leaking amniotic fluid, or if it's just fluid around the
sac...) I do not care...I am sure in the knowledge that we are ok and we are
going to have a beautiful, healthy, quick, safe birth and delivery. I feel like
everything in life happens for a good reason. You may not see it at the time,
but it always has a good outcome (yes, even seemingly "bad" things...) Nothing
is ever really bad. Everything is good...I don't know if I make any sense, but
I know that this happening changed me. It made me more grateful for the life
within. It made me realize life is safe and birth is as safe as life gets. It
made me patient and calm...before this happened, I was ready to just have the
birth over with...I was beginning to feel antsy again...but now, I don't care
at all how long it takes, AS LONG AS BABY IS OK!! That is all that really
matters.
Ladies,
do not listen to due dates, I beg you! Trying to force a baby to come before
it's ready is so wrong. Doctors do it all the time and it's very disturbing.
The baby and only the baby can know when it's ready. When I was pregnant with
Hannah, I took castor oil two days after my due date. She was born the next
morning...with meconium stained fluids. She was ok, but I know the intervention
caused the problems. I would never do that again!! I am ready to wait weeks
more if need be, but I do not think I will have to. I feel birth is imminent.
Wow, my Hannah, the one I birthed in the tub with hubby looking on, she turns 2
tomorrow. What if this baby comes on her birthday? That would be something...I
will never forget feeling her head still inside of me. I had never experienced
that before and it was so gratifying. To be the first person to touch her, to
hold her precious head in my hand before she had a chance to slide out of my
body. To lift her to me, and cradle her, not knowing the sex, not caring. To be
the first person to rub her back, kiss her face...hubby looked on, but never
interfered, never asked to hold her, never took that precious moment from me.
It was mine and it was so healing, so beautiful and so perfect.
I
am in love with the baby in my womb and after all we have been through
together, I cannot wait to experience birth again. I cannot wait to count
his/her fingers and toes...I cannot wait to see who he/she looks like. Two of
my three children look just like their daddy...will this one look like me??
Will this one have hair, as the others have had, or will it be blond instead of
black?? I cannot wait, but I can. I must and I will...nothing is worth
impatience now. If I was impatient and then something happened to impede the
birth or I ended up in the hospital, instead of at home, or if baby was sick or
placenta had ruptured, if any of those things happened, would it be worth the
impatience I felt for it to happen?? NO!! I will be calm... I will stay
patient, loving, ready, happy...I will not let anything negative come from this
birth. I will not say one time "When will baby come?...I wish baby was
here...Why won't baby come out??...I am tired and want it over with..." I will
not say those things, I will not think those things. I will cherish every
movement, for it's one that could be absent. I will cherish every hiccup that
usually drives one mad...I will cherish every strong kick that takes my breath
and every time that foot or butt rides under my ribs, making me unable to
breathe, I will cherish it, smile, caress it and say "Go on, stretch out..."
Thank God that baby is there to stretch, thank GOD that baby moves, thank God
you have a few more precious days where baby is safe...so safe, in your womb!!
And
when the big day comes, celebrate. Let no-one take it from you. Let it lift and
carry you and revel in its beauty. Ban visitors, who squeal loudly and stay too
long. Ban those who take baby from your safe arms and touch too quickly, talk
too much, take too many photos...Make them see it's not about them...you are
not angry with them...it's a moment gone too soon, it's a healing
****HEALING****moment that can NEVER be replaced. Surely they must understand
that, and if not, who cares??
All
that matters is that baby, you, your husband, your children. Everyone else is
invisible. Cherish your moment. YOU DID IT!! You made it. You brought forth
life. You created it, then you and your husband brought forth...In all this
chaos, in all my uncertainty, fear, frustration, anger, sadness,
confusion...the one thing I kept repeating over and over and over in my mind
and that helped me more than anything is the bible verse, where the Lord is
speaking and says..." Would I bring you to the moment of delivery and not
deliver? Would I bring you this far and close up thy womb??" Remember that
ladies...God is with you. Whoever your God may be...feel safe in the fact that
birth is perfect. It needs no interference...it needs no help. It will happen
exactly the way it is meant to. Your mind is very powerful, let it not have
negative thoughts. Banish those and concentrate on beauty, the beauty of
birth...let no-one take your power. YOU are the expert...you know your body
better than anyone. Your baby WILL talk to you, if you listen. And God will be
beside you all the way.... Brightest blessings...
P.S.
Thank you Lord for a supportive husband. If he had panicked, I couldn't have
been strong. If he wasn't supportive, I wouldn't hold on...I cannot emphasize
enough the importance of a strong marriage partner. I feel for women whose
husbands are close-minded to unassisted or homebirth....
38 weeks pregnant
Gabrielle's
Birth
Gabi
was born the next day...My water had broken at 7:30 pm that night. I had gone
to my mom and dad's house to visit them for a bit, but they weren't home, they
were at a neighbor's, so I drove over there (mom lives about 2 min. away from
me). I visited with our friends and I was feeling VERY uncomfortable, so mom
and dad and me left within a few minutes. Thank goodness we left when we did!
As soon as we got back to mom and dad's house, I sat down and felt a gurgling
between my legs. I had been having this for several days (I think now that my
water was leaking, but at the time, I just thought it was watery discharge).
I
went to the bathroom to change my mini pad. I did and when I stood, ALOT more
came out. I let out a shocked cry...mom and dad came rushing..."What's
wrong??!!" HA! I said, "Oh, I think I must be leaking water...could you get me
a maxi pad? This mini pad isn't enough..." So mom brought me one, shooing dad
away, who was standing in the bathroom door, trying to look inside...(what did
he think he'd see? a head coming out!?? HA!)
I
put it on and went back into the living room...dad asked if I was spending the
night with them...he is funny like that...I said "No, dad..." As soon as I said
that, I felt a HUGE gush between my legs...very different from the trickling
before...I stood up "OH, OHHH, I have to go home NOW!" This was a totally new
experience for me, my waters have NEVER broken before labor, and never even
during labor, but always RIGHT before the head pops out...I was a bit nervous,
but also excited and laughing...I couldn't believe it was happening and
happening so differently than I expected! I went to get my jacket, but it was
too late, water started pouring out of me, tons of it, and my pants were
instantly soaked and a big puddle formed on the floor of my mom's kitchen. Dad
drove my van home and mom put towels down on her car seat so I wouldn't get it
wet. I guess the head had pretty much sealed off the opening, because by the
time we got to my house, I had quit gushing...
I
walked in the door and said "My water broke!" My husband had just gotten
Hannah, our youngest daughter, to sleep. "Oh, really!?," he said...shocked. I
went into the bedroom, took off my pants and panties. I put on a long t-shirt
and started laying down my plastic sheets and laying blankets and old sheets on
top of them. The bed was covered, the floor was covered. I made a drip-way to
the bathroom using newspaper. I stood on this covering and water kept leaking
out of me, like I was peeing. My husband came into the room and stood in the
doorway, talking loudly to my mom, who was nervous/excited and being WAY
annoying! I said "Ok, BYE MOM!!"...loudly...she got the hint. "Ok, call me if
you need me..."
~~
NOTE: I sat on the bed at this time, and noticed my stomach was very small,
whereas a few hours ago it had been absolutely huge (see photo at top) I could
put my hand flat all the way to my belly button. All of the baby was *below* my
belly button, and it startled me...all this time, we had thought I would have a
big baby, a 9 or 10 lb. baby, but most of my stomach had been amniotic fluid. I
believe had I had prenatal care, there would've been MUCH intervention. I also
believe this is why I bled the following week, due to the weight of the waters
on my ripening cervix...I am very glad I had an unassisted pregnancy and birth,
or the outcome may have been severely altered...~~
There
were no contractions, and after the events of the following week, I knew I had
no idea what to expect. It was all so different and so new for me. I lay on the
bed finally and hubby was in the living room. I told him I would call him if I
needed him. I lay there for two hours...they seemed to drag by as I searched
for a sign of any pains...there were none. I had heard of women walking around
for days with broken waters. I prayed that I wouldn't be one of them. I called
mom and told her to go on to sleep, nothing was happening...The bed was
icy...the more the water leaked, the more I froze, for within a few minutes,
the warmth of the water turned cold. It was terrible, but I had to laugh about
it... I didn't want to ruin a bunch of towels, sheets and blankets, so I balled
up under one small recieving blanket and stuck a towel between my legs, hoping
to catch the drips. I felt it gush on and off most of the night. I couldn't
sleep, too anxious for "it" to start, too nervous, wondering...confused...why
wasn't it starting??
I
was so tired. I finally started to doze around midnight. At 1 am, I was
awakened by something, just a feeling, not a contraction, just a feeling deep
inside that told me it was time. I got up, feeling rather icky, decided to take
a shower. In the shower, that feeling grew stronger, I KNEW this was it, but
still, no contractions...I swayed against the shower wall, letting the hot
water pour down my lower back. I washed up a bit and got out. I went to the
hall to turn up the heat, I was freezing! I also woke up hubby, who was on the
futon asleep...I said, "It's time..." I went back into the bedroom and propped
up on some pillows. The pains started coming and they felt as though they were
splitting me in half. I arched my body with them, and moaned. I was joking
between these contractions, which were coming about every 5 min. but they were
only lasting about 20 seconds, which I thought odd...again, something new.
Hubby said "Oh, we could be here for HOURS!!" I said, "I know, this is very
different..." and I would sing songs, act silly, arch and moan, yell, then act
silly again. I was in a great frame of mind. I was not afraid at all and so
happy "it" had finally started.
I
did feel strange making so much noise. I had wanted a silent birth...Hannah's
birth was much less painful and I never vocalized very much. I thought this
time I could do the same, but it was totally impossible. I *HAD* to make
noise...it was my only release, my way of dealing with all that intense
pain...After about 45 min. of this, I started to get really uncomfortable. I
tried turning around, leaning over pillows, with my rear in the air, as I had
with Hannah, but it was awful. I tried getting up, threw some pictures off the
dresser and leaned on it, but that didn't help. I tried leaning against hubby,
and he rubbed my back, but it didn't help...no matter what I tried, the pain
grew stronger and stronger, feeling as though it was ripping through me. I
finally just stood and told hubby " Let's try some labor music..." This was
something I had never tried before, but we talked about it before the birth and
decided it might be a good idea, since I love music so much and it has a way of
transporting you out of the moment. He put in ENYA~ "Only Time" and it was
PERFECT!!
Just
then, my youngest daughter Hannah woke up. He went into the living room to rock
her. The pain was pretty much constant by now and I swayed gently to the music.
I closed my eyes and smiled. It was so soothing, took away my pain, transported
me to another dimension...I felt so connected to my body, my baby and this
moment. It was surreal...I never wanted it to end. Hubby came back into the
room and was trying to get the CD to play the same song over and over, but
couldn't get it to do what he wanted...I felt a very distinct movement inside,
the head just moved LOWER, and it felt about to pop out. I said "Water...NOW!!"
So, hubby ran a tub of water. We have a very small hot water heater and our tub
faucets run out of hot water quickly. I got in the tub and told hubby to go
boil 2 big pots of water...so he left to do this.
Again,
as with Hannah, the moment I got into the water, the pain was gone. I had
several minutes to re-group...it was exactly what I needed. I sat there,
dumping water over myself...hubby came to me and I said "It's taking too long,
I need hot water now..." He said it was close to boiling...I said "Turn it up
full blast...so what if it boils over!" By this time, it was hurting again, too
much to sit, so I got into a hands and knees position. Hubby came back and then
left to get the water... he dumped it in...Ahhhh...just perfect! I told him
so...he put the pans up and I said then "Don't leave me again..." I knew it was
time. He said ok, and sat by the tub. I started to feel the pushing urge. I
pushed a bit...Oh, God, it was sooooo painful. I had never felt anything like
it with the other births, and I suppose it was due to the waters being broken
for 8 hours...It was very intense...I was sobbing (no tears, just the
noises...) My knees were hurting, so I asked hubby to get me a towel to put
under them. This helped tremendously.
My
body finally started to push her out and I was yelling loudly. I would yell and
then it would be very quiet, as my body rested...I could hear the music in the
background and it kept me centered. I knew I was in labor and that I was
fine...not dying, like it felt! I felt every single inch of her being born...it
was incredibly painful and it seemed like it took forever. I just let my body
push her out, no extra effort from me. Hubby got between my legs, coaxing me
along...telling me what was happening..."Ok, here comes the head..." "You're
doing great..." And when her head started to crown, I whispered "Ring of fire"
which I hadn't felt with Hannah, she had emerged so quickly...I just breathed
shallow through it all, my body was just a vessel for my baby in which to enter
the world...I felt my perineum stretch so tight and I said "I'm ripping..."
Hubby assured me I wasn't...It stretched over her forehead to her eyes, where
it stopped for a good while. Then, finally, slowly, past her eyes, to her nose,
then slowly past her nose to her chin, where she stayed for a moment. Hubby was
holding her head...then time for her shoulders. It was excruciating...I said
"Don't pull, DON'T PULL"...It felt like he was reaching inside of me and
turning the baby and ripping her out. He reassured me he wasn't touching me or
her...just cupping her head...then, I felt her wiggle, her body turned, her
shoulders came out, then she kicked strongly, her legs came out and then her
feet, inch by inch, torturous, but so awesome!!
I
was glad when it was over!! Hubby let her slip a bit, as he couldn't get a good
grasp on her and whoosh!...under the water she went. She gulped in the bath
water..."Ohhhh..." He was very upset at himself. I said "It's ok, give me the
baby..." I was so calm. I told him to get the bulb syringe. The baby was blue
and not breathing, but I knew she would be fine as long as she was attached to
her cord, which was pumping strongly. I suctioned the baby a bit, and then we
checked to see the sex. It's a girl!! ANOTHER girl!! :) I couldn't believe it.
All this time, we just *KNEW* she was a boy. We knew it!! We thought so mostly
because of my stomach, how big it was and how I was carrying...I carried my son
much the same way. We sat in the tub for a minute. I told hubby to go wake the
kids, as they wanted to be the ones to cut her cord. They came running
excitedly...Sam said "This is good..." I said "It's not a baby brother..." He
said "That's ok..."
I
sat in the tub a good while. We looked at the baby, I dumped water over her. I
was in alot of pain, so I decided we cut the cord now so I could get out and
get the placenta delivered. It was still pulsing a bit, but not strong and it
was turning limp and white. I felt really bad about cutting it, I had wanted to
wait a long time. Hubby got the shoelace I had embroidered and we tied it off.
The cord was fairly short and the kids could barely reach to cut...so hubby
helped them. I couldn't look.
So
hubby gets her out, bundles her in towels. He lays her on our homemade baby
bunk (that lays next to our bed) and the kids look at her, kiss her and talk to
her.
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